Ep 177 - How comfort zones can sabotage your goals

Comfort zones feel safe... but they also keep you small.

Comfort isn't always safe, and expansion isn’t always easy. This episode is a challenge and an invitation to step beyond what’s familiar, explore new edges, and stop letting fear dress up as "being realistic."

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Transcript

Hey everyone, welcome to another episode of Get Jasched.I am your host, Jess Jasch, and today we might have a bit of a juicy one for you in the sense that today's conversation might bejust what you need to maybe get a little pep in your step around some goals, whether they are end of year goals or whenever you listen to this and things that you actually want to achieve but can't sort of seem to get a little unstuck around them.It could be the conversation you need to change your relationshipwith how you view how you work and how you view how you overwork and that being said today's conversation is about comfort zones so we have been told uh comfort zones are safe right and and we do know that comfort zones are where we rest andas best as possible, so we're not demonizing comfort zones, but in regards to actually working towards things that we want to work towards, what if they are actually the slowest form of self-sabotage?We're gonna find out.Because sometimes, and this is also a big caveat here, this is a really, really important thing that I'm gonna say right here at the top,I'll probably mention it throughout.This is just hopefully so I don't have to keep coming back to that throughout.But if needed, I will.But right at the top, we are not glorifying overwork and hustle.We are not glorifying pushing ourselves to the brink of exhaustion where it impacts our well-being.We're not doing any of that shit.We're not saying you have to be switched on and stretching out of your comfort zone all of the time.But what we are doing is hopefully looking atyour relationship with how you work and how sometimes we what we call stepping out of our comfort zone is just overwork without knowing how to rest.But we are exploring the concept of what a comfort zone is and how it helps us work with regenerating energy for us, which isdifferent to the overwork of it.All right.So I am not glorifying overwork.I am not glorifying any of that shit.We're not doing that.Rest is so important.So important.We know this.We will probably have other conversations around this.I probably already have had conversations around this.It is so important.But when we look at comfort zones and how they lead to stagnation,We can use a few examples.There's physical examples, right, where we know that moving our body is really important and that is to varying degrees, to varying abilities also.But moving our body in ways that we can, if we can, is really, really important to our physical health and often our emotional and mental health as well.We know that going to the gym, if you go to the gym and do weights, you don't want to push through and try to lift heavy weights that you're not up to yet that would only lead to injury.You know, you have that progressive overload.uh we know that going to yoga we don't want to try and stretch in a way that feels like we might be actually trying to rip the muscle apart that's not the goal the goal is to just find the edge and breathe into it and allow that gentle stretching in a way that might be uncomfortable but not painful right so they're the physical some physical examples um staying comfortablemight be and I'm not giving business advice here, but it might be if you have a full time job that is fine, you get that regular pay and you want to do something else and you think you can do it on the side, which is also possible.But there's this mentality of, well, I'm also just so comfortable here that I'm not really trying.at the thing because I know I have this stability.That can be really helpful, but if it stops us from actually giving this a red hot go, then we need to kind of look at something.Again, I'm not giving advice on what that is exactly, but that's where it can show up.That's where it sort of, you know, can show upwhere the comfort is is just ease relative ease that stops us from actually putting our our full effort into something over here right it shows up it it can show up in relationships where we just stay where it's comfortableIt's easier to not bring up an issue with someone, any kind of relationship, right?But it's easy to not bring up an issue with someone.So we just let it continue.But that comfort of avoiding that conversation, right?actually leads to a bigger problem down the track because you haven't addressed the thing.So there's a lot to be said about how we approach comfort zones in our everyday lives in a way that can actually contribute to more well-being.So by a definition of like what is a comfort zone, a definition is it's a psychological state where stress and risk are minimized.It's low anxiety, but it's also low growth.So in positive psychology, growth and wellbeing are strongly associated with challenge and engagement.So that goes back to flow theory.So that suggests that when we want to be in flow or when we want to create growth and wellbeing in our growth, we need an element of challenge and engagement.So in research, Yerkes and Dodson's law says that moderate stress, so optimal anxiety, right?We're not talking about extreme anxiety that a lot of us are feeling at the moment.Optimal anxiety, so moderate stress in a task, for example, increases performance and learning.Too little equals stagnation.Too much equals overwhelm.So it's very much what I would say is the Goldilocks effect.We're looking for that just right.when we are intentionally putting this approach into a task.The truth is comfort feels safe.It can be safe.Like I said, comfort is where we rest.Comfort is needed.There is a lot of healing in comfort.Again, speaking specifically to something that we Speaking specifically to performance, I guess.Comfort can be avoidance.So in leadership, this would show up as avoiding tough conversations.Oh, it's just comfortable to let that person just continue to do the slightly toxic thing because it's too hard to have a conversation with them.Meanwhile, that slightly toxic thing is developing and building up and creating more and more resentment within the rest of the team, for example.So avoiding tough conversations.In leadership, it's also sticking to the way it's always been done.Change is hard.Change is particularly hard within organizations.I'm sure for a variety of reasons, but it's because the way it's always been done means that we can just continue.We've got the processes set.If we need to change anything or if we want to innovate anything,That then requires more than just a decision.Often, sometimes there's a training element.Sometimes there's a shift in something, in a process, in a habit, all of those things.So it's easier and more comfortable to stick with.Here's how it's already been done.And that relates to choosing choices.ease over innovation.I'm going to say ease.Ease doesn't necessarily mean progress.We can find ease in progress, but the kind of ease I mean over innovation is more, well, it's already set up.We see this a lot in mindfulness practices too, and I say it often where I will always say thatOur well-being, whatever that is, but if we use mindfulness, our mindfulness practices are never just a set and forget.They're never just a, well, I've done it once, so then I'm good.It's a present moment thing.So that's where we innovate.And if we apply that to things like the comfort zone and in leadership, if we think anything is a set and forget, then we're not performing our roleThat's the baseline of it.We're not performing our role if we assume the things are set and forget and then forget to innovate.at all the companies think about all the companies that were so big in their day that just failed to innovatejust failed to innovate with what people were wanting, needing, with the way it was shifting, because maybe they relied on nostalgia or they relied on that ease that wasn't overall helpful.to the business, to the employees, to the people who relied on that.Think about video stores, for example.They are a great example of how that innovation just didn't happen because they stayed comfortable.So there's a risk in this when it comes to how we operate.In personal well-being, never testing our resilience means we often have less capacity for real stress.Again, it's that balance of we're not overwhelming ourselves.But if we never test our resilience, just like if we never lift weights and strengthen our muscles, we have less capacity for weight when it comes to lifting up things in our everyday life, right?Or holding ourselves steady.But in our own well-being, especially for mental and emotional stress, if we neversit with and practice how we navigate through these things, we have less capacity for when those things are thrusted upon us, which will happen.And staying in our comfort zone on a personal level can lead to boredom, disengagement, low purpose.We see this in kids in schooling, right?Who are maybe just picking up on a concept particularly well.So they might be a little further ahead in terms of grasping things.So they're not getting challenged enough.So you see that more as boredom and disengagement andit looks like poor behavior.It looks like bad behavior when really it can just be that they're not being challenged enough intellectually.There's many examples of this.In personal well-being,Staying in our comfort zones forever and permanently isn't good for us.Barbara Fredrickson's broaden and build theory talks about positive emotions, expanding our mindset and building resources, but they often come from new and stretching experiences, not just repeating what's familiar.So again, slight caveat here, I speak for myself, but as an autistic person, to a degree, there is a comfort in what's familiar and my relationship with what is overwhelming versus what's familiar versus what's comfort zone might be slightly different to yours.But it doesn't mean that I should just stay with what's comfortable because that is where I do feel myself become a little bit more rigid as well.So our positive emotions and how we build resources still comes from new and stretching experiences.what they are to you personally will be different for each person.So that's just important to remember.Because we do see it a lot, you know, on the Instagram advice as well, where it's this cookie cutter of like, if you're not pushing yourself, you're not trying hard, like, you know, it's that very like, alpha bro mentality thatis you know almost the other end of the pendulum which is also not helpful or nuanced enough and people wonder why those those techniques or tactics aren't working for them either so this is such a highly personal experience that to a degree we kind of have to speak a little bit generally about just so we can at least talk about itAnd I guess this is why coaching exists, because then it becomes the personal experience and the personal exploration.But for the purposes of a podcast episode, we need to generalize it just enough, but sprinkle in the reminders here of where nuance might be found.And nothing is a broad sweeping generalization.So why do we stay in comfort zones?The answer might seem obvious.Our brains are wired for safety and predictability.That is very literally survival mode.There's different analogies given around, different examples given around this analogy.My coach, Serena Hicks, she's been on the podcast before.I've heard her say it as, you know, talk about it as like the berries.So our brain'sthat their job, the brain's job, is to keep us safe and alive.And the way it does that best and most efficiently is if it goes with what it knows.Easy, right?That seems so easy and so straightforward and so simple because if it knows something, then it knows what to expect to the best of its ability.And thenIt can keep us alive.Job done.Big tick.Successful.Except that doesn't help us learn beyond that, right?We have to still have a learning phase, but it doesn't help us.There's social norms.You know, don't rock the boat.Don't be difficult.Don't make other people feel uncomfortable, even if what you're sharing or saying is your truth and how you feel and all of that.Don't do this.So we might stay in comfort zones.This can show up particularly in family systems where there are those almost generational stories sometimes of don't be a burden with this information about your experience of someone that might make them feel uncomfortable.Things like that.It can show up in other areas too, but consider where you've stayed in comfort zones because you've been told maybe don't rock the boat or it's been inferred.um we stay in comfort zones because we have a fear of failure or rejection of course we do it's okay like of course we do we want to succeed and we don't want to be rejected we don't want to fail we don't want to be seen to fail or be seen to be rejected so there's so many layers to this i rememberGod, this was like so long ago and like a totally different version of me that it almost like I feel so disconnected from it now as a concept of why would I do that?But it's part of the learning process.I remember when I first went into business and I had gone from a full time job and kind of had a year of kind of doing both.And theneventually like transitioned into just my business.And I remember in that first year in particular, after I left the full-time job and I, and I, there was no negative circumstances of why I left.Um, it was, it was a choice because I really felt more fulfilled doing the work I was doing in my business.So I wanted to honor that for myself.Like I was just feeling more fulfilled and better.Um,And because I had the contrast, I was able to make that decision a little easier, even though it was scary and everything at the time.That was a big stepping out of the comfort zone, you know, like stepping away from the comfort of a full-time salary role.in a job that I knew how to do well, that I got along with my boss well, you know, all of these things.So there was no negative experience in that sense that prompted it.It was just more how I felt fulfilled.But I remember in that first year after that,I had this conscious thought and, and thank God I was aware enough of it to work through it.I don't know if I, you know, I don't know how that happened, but I had this conscious thought of, well, I want to share about this retreat that I'm holding or whatever it was, let's call it a retreat.I want to share about this retreat I'm holding, butWell, if people that I used to work with, who I was, you know, friends with online and everything, if people I used to work with see that I'm sharing about it and then, I don't know, if no one signs up for the retreat or, you know, if I don't get a lot of uptake with it, then they'll see me fail.Oh, no.But thank God I had that follow-on thought.I don't know where it came from, but thank God I had that follow-on thought of, wellIf I don't share it and promote it and promote what I'm doing and promote my work, if I don't share that, thenI will fail because you have to talk about what you're doing for people to know about it.So it became this like that fear of failure or rejection exists in itself.But then it's also the fear of people seeing that for some people where it keeps us in our comfort zones of what if people see that I fail or am I rejected?And that was just one really cool moment.that I still use as an example obviously, here I just did, but a really cool moment that that reminds me that it is uncomfortable sometimes to share somethingLike, now I have this whole entire podcast that I've had for the last 5 years that I'm sharing the shit out of.And within it, share a lot.So, you know, look at that growth.But it's so easy to not want to share something that's important to us for fear of what other people will think.So we stay comfortable in it.But by not sharing, in this example, by not promoting what I'm doing, no one actually knows about the fucking retreat, which means no one can sign up, which means it's more likely to fail, right?It was just this circular, I don't know, loop of failure that I could have stepped into myself.And instead, I chose the discomfort of sharing to give myself the opportunity, the best opportunity I could to succeed.regardless of what other people might have thought.And that was a story I was definitely making up in my head.It was a, what if, what will they think?I don't know what they think.What will they say?I don't know what they're saying.They don't say it to me if they're saying anything, but why does it matter if I'm giving myself a chance to succeed?So we can stay in comfort zones for that fear, but that's an example of how we need to step out of it to allow ourselves to actually have a chance.And for high achievers, especially it could be perfectionism disguised as, Oh,I'm just waiting till I'm ready or I'm waiting till the right circumstances or I'm waiting until I can do it perfectly.For me, this shows up mostly with things like sport, which sounds so silly, but I Any sport I've played properly, like learned to play and actually played, mostly growing up, I was typically pretty good at.Like, you know, I have never been an elite athlete by any means at all, butmost of the sports that I played growing up I was I was pretty good at I was pretty good at netball I was pretty good at um nippers we were involved in the surf club so I did pretty good when I was involved before um you know before I had to leave for health reasons but um I was pretty good at it and I I picked myself up on this habit um it was just before COVID inthe team manager the program manager for the australian men's goalball team and if you're not familiar with what goalball is it is a paralympic sport for vision impaired people and they wear blackout masks because there's different umlevels of vision impairment.So they wear blackout masks to really even that up.And they have to use their bodies to blockthe ball being thrown from the other end of the court by the other team from going into the net and the ball has little bells in it so you kind of got to hear it that way too and so you have to literally throw your body in front of a ball that you can only hear coming and and hope but you don't know exactly where it's going to hit on your body assuming it will so it could be a face it could beYou know, and I remember being at one of the training camps that we held and they were like, oh, Jess, do you want to have a go?And part of me so badly wanted to have a go because, like, this is fun and I'm so inspired by watching you guys do it.surely, like, it would be fun to try.And I felt I picked myself up on my bullshit and felt the immediate, no, I'm not going to because I don't know if I'm going to be good at it.first go.Like, what if I try it and fail or am shit at it in front of all of theseelite athletes right like Australia's men's team so the the what if that happens and I I missed out on what would have just been a fun experience this is such a benign example but it's it's an example you know of what would have been a fun experience because I didn't want tonot be good at it when the stakes were so low there were no like there was no negative outcome if I wasn't good at it so that can stop us just from enjoying things um because we want to be good or perfect at it from the get-go I will call myself out on that every time we talk about this so don't worry you're not alone but other people especially if perfectionism is really playing into it is umYeah, I'll wait until I'm ready.I don't have things perfectly set up.and it's uncomfortable so really just check in whether that is true for you as well and then you know use some of what we're exploring in this to help you shift out of that limiting thought mindset that limiting train of thought and and continuing thought um because when we in this conversation talking aboutstepping outside of the comfort zone and growth outside of the comfort zone.Again, it's not the pushing yourself to the absolute brink and ruining yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, whatever it is.That's not, that's not, not it.It is looking atThe opposite of that.So it's not reckless.It's a stretch, not a snap.Literally, if it's physically in your body or, you know, as that example of we're stretching, we're not snapping ourselves, we're not stretching, we're not breaking ourselves.So it's not reckless.Stepping outside of the comfort zone in this context is not reckless.It's considered, it's intentional.Um, an example is a leader could delegate for the first time and that feels really uncomfortable, especially if you really know how to do the thing, whether you created that method or it's your baby, right?Like you really know how to do the thing and you have to delegate it because that's what you need to do as a leader at some point.At many points.And that feels uncomfortable, but it also gives you an opportunity to grow trust with your team, for your team to step up and perform.It gives everyone an opportunity for that.Another example islike intentionally stepping out of your comfort zone.It could be the opposite.It could be telling another department that you cannot do the project yourself.to the ability that it needs because they don't give you enough lead time.For example, it's a really important example because sometimes people or departments don't learn that that's just simply not adequate enough when you're busy trying to bend over backwards.To make it work, which means working on your weekends, working incredibly long days, stressing yourself out, not resting, burning yourself out.Stepping out of the comfort zone in that scenario could be not pushing back aggressively, but giving them the information going, this isn't enough.This is not enough to work.cannot be done in the time frame so then they can learn even if it's for next time they can learn oh we need to have our together sooner and communicate something way sooner to get the outcome that we want which requires a whole other person or department to do their part right so that can be stepping out of the comfort zoneflow states happen as we've said in that challenge skill sweet spot where we feel skilled enough but also challenged that's when we can step into flow state well-being science speaks to this the pursuit of mastery meaning and contribution often requires temporary discomfort i want to highlight the word temporaryBut the pursuit of mastery, meaning and contribution often requires temporary discomfort.So how can you intentionally step out of the comfort zone in a way that works with this?So could be little micro stretches.Take one uncomfortable action in a day that is progressive, right?One uncomfortable action a day that is progressive.That can help.It gives you practice and it helps you become more comfortable with the uncomfortable, more comfortable with the discomfort.I've told soldiers this for years.It's sometimes slowing down and just breathing feels uncomfortable.But our job is to practice being comfortable with what discomfort is.Doesn't mean we have to like it, but we can become more comfortable with discomfort.I have learned that myself.I used to be soI'm uncomfortable with discomfort.I couldn't hold it in my body.I couldn't hold it in my experience.resisted it and rejected it.And it wasn't good for me to do that because it ultimately added more stress.But when I practice things that took me into discomfort, I changed my relationship with it.Yoga and breathing taught me that personally.There are other ways too.Right, so take one uncomfortable action a day.We reframe or shift our relationship with fear.Could be something like, this is my body preparing me for growth.This discomfort, not pain.Whether it is a physical pain or a mental pain, not pain.This discomfort is preparing me for growth.How exciting.or how okay how good it doesn't have to be exciting um emotional regulation mindfulness and self-compassion reduce the fear of response again this just speaks to shifting a relationship with fear with discomfort and self self-trust over control leaning into uncertainty helpsto build resistant, leaning into uncertainty helps to build resilience, excuse me, resilience.Leaning into uncertainty helps build resilience.Again, if all we are in is uncertainty, we don't have, like, that's not healthy either.We need to sort of find little, littleplatforms to rest on to go, okay, this is, I can, I can, you know, do this.It's when we're constantly attacked by uncertainty, which many people are in the world are at the moment.that's where we need to consider that, you know, it's not just like, oh, I'm building resilience.We're not gaslighting ourselves.We're not bypassing the actual experience and going, maybe this is a little too, you know, so, but where we can, we're developing self-trust and building that resilience by just exploring uncertainty.So in the context of leadership and,You set the tone as a leader.You don't need the title of leader to do this reminder, but you set the tone as a leader.If you avoid discomfort, your team or the people around you will too.At home, regardless of whether you're a parent or a partner,or a child, you know, living with parents, right?If you avoid discomfort, other people will too, unless they're already in this practice.So you can lead and set that tone.Things like innovation, inclusion, and conversations that require courage require stretching.That is just the facts of it.It will require feeling stretched a little bit to innovate, to talk about inclusion, to have courageous conversations, to include, not just talk about it, to include.But real comfort, and I mean real comfort, not just the comfort that is avoidance, which is not true rest anyway, but real comfort is earned throughdeveloping our own version of competence and lived experience it's not it's not brought on through avoidance that is not comfort because you're still draining yourself when you're avoiding you're not actually regenerating so really consider that considerWhere you might be in a comfort zone that is keeping you small, not safe, because I know this is a nuanced conversation, but where are you in a comfort zone that's keeping you small and limited?Consider your own version of growth and purpose and leadership impact.and how that lives on the edge of comfort and where that edge of comfort is for you.And that might expand and then contract a little, depending on what else is going on in the world, right?We live, systemic issues will play a role here, but consider right now for you where your edge of comfort is so that you can play with your growth and purpose and impact.and and this week especially notice one moment where you want to stay quiet avoid or just wait until later unless there's a very specific reason like that is very very specific like oh i'm not gonna bring up this hard conversation right before someone has an important exam or an important meeting that might change their life you know likeconsider but notice one moment where you want to stay quiet or avoid or wait until later and if you notice that you notice more than that but start with one if you notice that that's your comfort zone and then see if you can step out and see what happens and do the thing with consideration do the thing and see what happens soTry that.Explore that.Because sometimes our relationship with how we work, whether that's overworking or staying comfortable in other ways, that relationship is potentially more draining to us, even if we think we're doing the right thing.So this is a very nuanced conversation.There's lots of different layers to this, but really consider howIt's not about doing more either, but consider how you might be holding yourself back from your own goals.It could be things like it doesn't even have to be work related.It could be like this story of, oh, I want to buy a house.Oh, but they're all so expensive.Facts.Yes.ButAre you actually stepping into what might feel, depending on who you are, what might feel uncomfortable by looking at houses in areas that you want to live and kinds of houses and just doing the little mortgage calculator online there just to get an idea of, all right, well, now I know the number.which can feel uncomfortable to know, but it also means that you're then giving yourself, like, an idea of, alright, that's what I would need to work towards.As an example, rather than staying in the comfort zone of, well, if I don't know, then I can just stay complaining about it, or stay feeling, even if not complaining, stay feeling hopeless about it.See the difference there.So sometimes it's just getting information that can help give you valuable information rather than not having the information and just staying feeling stuck.So good luck with that this week.Let me know how you go and I will see you next week for our next episode.