Ep 169 - Being the 'strong one' : Leadership, wellbeing, and asking for help

If you're the one everyone leans on, this one’s for you. We explore the emotional labour and internal strain of being the ‘strong one’ - and why it’s time to reimagine what strength in leadership looks like, especially when you’re feeling stretched thin.

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Transcript

Hey, everyone.Welcome to another episode of Get Jasched. And look, for today's epi- episode, if you've been- ever been told, "You're so strong, I don't know how you do it," then this episode is for you because we are talking about this concept of being the strong one in leadership and how it can actually negatively impact your well-being in some ways, and the ways in which it can do that, as well as actually lead to circumstancesthat go against your strength, right?So just to kick it off and to start it off with, we're just gonna get really real with it and, and talk about gendered strength for a moment, especially in leadership.Because we don't typically hearAnd I'm talking about leadership positions specifically, right?I'm not necessarily talking about, you know, human, personal, real-life circumstances, because they can happen to everyone in different ways, but I'm talking about leadership-specific, particularly in workplaces.We don't typically hear people say to men who are leaders, "You're so strong, I don't know how you do it."Because we know how they do it.Their strength is seen as how they then delegate and how they then, uh, have their own support systems around them in order to be strong or in order to show that strength or, or in healthy ways lean into their own strengths by not trying to do everything.And yet, generally, when we hear, "You're so strong, I don't know how you do it," it's typically because w- w- th- we're saying it to women, or people are saying it to women, where that strength is, is- looks very different.It's only acknowledged, or mostly acknowledged when women as leaders don't have that support, when they don't have the delegation things set up, when they are literally doing it all themselves.And that could be, you know, that could be the full stop for a lot of people to be like, "Oh, well, if women just delegate, la-la-la."But what we are talking about here is just those differences in how we perceive what strength is, especially the more rhetoric there is around strong men leadership, which is so dangerous.So very dangerous for, uh, h- how we approach things like how we value that kind of leadership, or how we value leadership and what that means and whether that is actually effective or if it's just throwing weight around.So, if youany genderif you are someone who has heard, "You're so strong, I don't know how you do it," or even if you have said that to someone.This isn't, you know, bashing on you either, but even if you have said that to someone, listen in, because we're gonna unpack that a little bit.What the strong one means is, often it's meant as a compliment.Um, it's often meant as a compliment where it's acknowledgment, especially when it's, you know, from loved ones, people who care about us.It can be acknowledgment of, "Oh, you're being really strong."And it's not necessarily a bad thing in that case, because we, we need to have that acknowledgment.We need recognition in our lives from the people around us, because that is what helps to bolster us.We need our own recognition, but also the recognition of those around us.That can be really, really helpful.But when it is said often in a leadership capacity, it is not always a compliment.It's often a role that is unconsciously assigned or adopted.You know, it can come from external people, but it can also come from internal, um, assumptions or decisions as well, uh, onIt's, it's, it's a role that's adopted or assigned to someone without consideration of actual impact of what that means.It's a, it's, it sometimes is a different way of saying, "Oh, you'll be right.You always manage it anyway," without acknowledging what actually goes into managing things.So it's a little bit like, um, the discussions around, uh, neurodivergent people in the workplace and resilience, right?And where, um, the, the model of resilience at the moment is, is very neurotypical, where it's like, "Oh, this is the baseline," but it doesn't take into account the resilience and adaptive measures that are already being put into place-for neurodivergent people just to be at the place that they are now.So it's very similar in that way of, it doesn't actually take into account what is required to be strong in this case, but that, "Well, you've always been strong, so you can do it more."And look, um, women, girls, eldest daughters, they all typically, they all typically, um, are the groups that, that can, uh, more often than not fall into, into these categories.And tho- those categories are, you know, like, you're the one who doesn't fall apart.You're the one who holds it together.You're the one who fixes, who guides, who absorbs, who reassures, and yes, these are all really, really valuable qualities and skills.It comes with a lot of invisible labor that often isn't taken into consideration, and, you know, sometimes that invisible labor is emotion regulation for others.And I'm not saying don't be in community with people and don't h- you know, co-regulate with people.We need that.It is important, but I'm talking about, like, the extreme ends of the mental and emotional load here.So it's emotional regulation for others.You are managing your emotions and theirs, but in a, like- it's almost like it's chronic.Like, chronic pain is where it's ongoing.Acute is w- you know, within 3 months, I think it is.It's, "Oh, it's in the acute stage."Chronic is when it's just ongoing and there's no relief and it just keeps happening.I'm gonna s- use that word just for the context, to, to give context to this.It's chronic emotion regulation for others.You are chronically managing your own m- emotions, yes, and theirs, and without reprieve.You are doing the emotional, mentalLike, you're performing or carrying out the emotional, mentalemotional and mental load of preempting needs, um, managing conflict, especially quietly doing it, you know, so that it doesn't bother anyone else.You're stepping up without being asked.It's, it's all of these things that make everyone else's life easier, or make it so that nobody else has to be disturbed or burdened by the, quote, "inconvenience" of these things.Uh, it's also the invisible labor of resilience as an expectation, but without the support to build it as a skill or to maintain it or, um, regenerate it as a skill.It's just expected without the support.It's, it's often where I see workplaces prioritize mindfulness measures.You know, maybe it is yoga classes, whatever it is, which is always helpful, right?But it's where I see workplaces prioritize that without actually looking at the systems, so, you know, their people show up to these sessions trying to fight the fires of stress in this way, by tending to the temperature of it, not the actual fire and the cause of the fire itself.It's very similar in that way, and, and this kind of emotional labor, this kind of mental labor is, of course, unpaid, often unnoticed.Uh, it's unsustainable.It's not regenerative, uh, especially for women, for those in carers' positions, for leaders who are doing this.We see it a lot for people of color in workplaces when it comes to things like NAIDOC Week here, right?And first Nations people in the workplace are sometimes expected to take on the energy and the burden of organizing the NAIDOC Week celebrations without acknowledgement of the extra workload, without actually getting to have a reprieve or have someone else take over some of their workload so they can do this, you know, w- without being paid extra for it, whatever it is.It's, it's all of this extra additional emotional and mental labor that is involved in this case in what it means to be the strong one.And I'm using that very specifically but generically, which is an oxymoron in itself, but it's this, it's this strength that isn't where it's a quality where you genuinely feel it.It's this strength tothat is a, an optics-level strength, and the reason it's an optics-level strength because it has a cost and that's usually because there is emotional suppression happening in order to display that strength at all costs because it's expected.So, it's emotional suppression which, you know, we know canis, is linked to increased stress and burnout and overwhelm.So, there's emotional suppression, there's the overload of roles.We've, we've already referenced that, but it's the overload of role of, "I have to do this and this and this, and no one else is, is helping to support me here," which then reduces your well-being because you're run off your feet, or you're busy, or you're exhausted trying to handle everything to a high standard, especially in high responsibility roles.There is compassion fatigue.We see this a lot in a lot of contexts but we also see it a lot in health professionals, um, where there's fatigue, compassion fatigue in both their professional and personal contexts, and that makes it challenging for them, that makes it challenging, and it's not exclusive to health professionals either, but it makes it challenging to peopleThe way I, I hear about it most is where it's these leaders who spend so much of their energy, even if it is their role, so much of their energy supporting others and being strong for others with where it's a drain, not a lifting up, right?Where it's, it's just put on them, that by the time they get to, you know, their home life, their personal life, they just don't have as much capacity, and it's really challenging.We see that a lot and it's not exclusive to women either.We see it a lot in, uh, first responder environments or emergency services environments or, uh, defense environments.It can be really challenging because there's a lot of energy that goes into those roles because they are high stakes roles, and then it can risk impacting the, their relationships at home, outside of their work, because there isn't the sort of measure, there isn't these, these, thisscaffolding, these structures set up in order to, to support and regenerate, and regenerate is probably going to be the word of, of the episode.It's, there's, there's not as much of this structure to regenerate that energy.It's all just draining out, draining out, draining out, whether it's through the system of the role itself or the workplace and culture itself or the expectations or the expectations placed on that person, and that's why I mention on that person specifically because that can happen a lot to women, people of color, women of color.Typically, we see it a lot in those demographics where there is a lot of that extra burden that is often unfair without having the support to help them along the way, and, yes, we know it's a well-being issue.It is also a leadership issue, especially when being the strong one is leadership.It's seen as leadership.It is also part of leadership.Uh, thereI'm not gonna give any spoilers but it makes me think of how, uh, I'm watching Yellowjackets at the moment, the TV show, and it's really well done, it's really well written, and in this, in the emergency scenario, it is a bunch of teenagers and a teacher, like a co- an adult, a grownup, and watchingit, you want the grownup to be the leader -Right, so it's, it's, it's similar to that, but it's different.But, you know, the strong one is, is typically put on the leader.It's, it's saying you are the strong one because that is your role, and yes, it is.You know, we wanna build up an elementA foundation of regenerative, umdon't want to say just resilience 'cause that is only really reactive and responsive, right?But regenerative resources in order to lead well for everyone, including for you, and it's often un- unacknowledged or unsupported.That's why it's a leadership issue.It is unacknowledged or unsupported.There is the disparity, as I mentioned at the beginning, between men in leadership, and again, generalizing but for good reason, men in leadership who are seen as strong because they have been either permitted or socially accepted to delegate so that they have support, and then women in leadership who are only seen as strong when they tryto do it all themselves or when they do do it all themselves, and if they delegate, it's notThe, the compliments of "you're so strong" often drop at that point because like, "Well, she's so taken care of."So, it's different language we use, and it'sIn that way, it is unacknowledged, it is unsupported.In workplaces, it can becomeSee, the way I leadThe way I lead is I lead for independence and interdependence, not codependence.SoAnd this is probably how I, um, parent my dogs as well.It's I need you to be okay withAnd this is the dogs, not people, right?But I need you to be okay with being outside or being alone for a little bit.Not for, days on end.Like, it's not that, but I need you to be okay if I need to leave the house, or if I am- happen to be out all day for work-related things, I need to know you're okay.So, there's an independence, but it's an interdependence because it's not just abandonment, but it's also not codependence where it's like the dog's crying all day because I'm not home.It's such aThat's, that's how I kind of approach how I lead, and it- you know, it depends on w- who it is, who's involved, and, and what we do with that, but when it comes to leadership in a workplace, it's sort of the same thing.I teach for education.That's probably a better way to put it when it comes to actual humans.I teach about education and skills-building on their part, because I can't be the only one relied on for the culture or even the emotional glue.Yes, even if it is part of my job description or your job description rather.That's, you know, it's reallyEven if it is part of your job description, it- it's impossible to expect one person to be relied on for the culture holding and the emotional glue for a whole organization, no matter how big or small that organization is, because the structure also needs them to have a break and to regenerate, and the typical workday and employment situationsThe typical workday doesn't typically allow for that.So, it can be challenging in workplaces when instead of it being a focus on everyone builds this skill and is learning about it, and then that person, if it's a wellbeing officer or whoever it is, or a leader in any way, is the one that can help guide it.Yes, but everyone is developing this skill.When it's just put on one person to hold that, that becomes an issue.That is not regenerative leadership, and that is often defaulted to in certain circumstances.So, in workplaces that's default- that's the standard that's defaulted to when it'sParticularly when it's women or women of color.I mentioned, uh, when it's women or eldest daughters.Eldest daughters really can carry the load for all of us.I say that as the youngest of 3 who had a very present, well, still have, a very present older sister who was the eldest daughter, who was the eldest child.Right, so recognizing that now as an adult makes me kind of recognize it a lot better.So, it's, it's a leadership issue because it's not regenerative.It's not sustainable, but it's also not regenerative where we actually get to feed back into it.The issue is, like all of these are issues, what then becomes the issue on a personal level for that leader is it because it can block further avenues for support and growth.If you are always saying to people, especially if you are always saying to people, "No, I'm good.I can handle it," so this is now speaking directly to you as that person, rather than us sort of talking generally about the system.This is you as that person at this stage.Saying to people, "No, I can handle it," all of the time can su- can block you receiving support in the future, your growth, your career growth, your career opportunities, because you are boxing yourself into a corner.If you are always strong, and we're using the word strong, you can be strong and get support.This is the nuance here.You can, you can still be strong even when you get support, right?You're often stronger when you get support because you get to focus on your strengths and develop rather than drain yourself as fuck and give bits and pieces to a lot of things rather than wholeness.So, if you're always strong in this context, people stop offering help.Uh, it becomes, uh, "Well, she's probably got it.She never needs help.She never accepts help, so she's probably good."Which leads onto your own needs getting invalidated, like, "You're fine, right?You're all good?"And how does that make you feel?Over time, it can create that feeling of isolation, especially emotional i- emotional isolation.I see this in mothers a lot too, parents, sometimes fathers as well, but just in general.See this a lot where they're like, "Oh, I'm surrounded, but I'm just, I'm carrying the load and I'm alone."So, how do you combat it?Especially if you're already well down that track, how do you combat it?So, you reframe your relationship with what stress i- uh, what strength is, and stress, sure.Let's just throw that in there.But you reframe your relationship with what strength is.Strength includes asking for help.We talk about this in the mental health space a lot, so let's apply it everywhere, right?It's strong to ask for help.In mental health, people are often stronger when they ask for and receive help.It applies everywhere.You don't need to wait until you're mentally unwell or struggling.Strength includes asking for help.This is one of my favorites.Strengths inclu- strength includes naming your capacity.This is really important, especially in a workplace context, but also in your home and personal life when you are one of the caregivers of your family as well.Name your capacity.Like, "You know what?I can handle this and this, but that will be a challenge," and it could be, you know, I also give this advice where it's like, oh, then you ask, "Help me which to prioritize because I can't do everything," or you say it a different way.But it's naming your capacity.It's saying, "You know what?I"It could be th- that wording."I don't have capacity for this."I think people are starting to grow a little allergic to that wording.It feels a bit like corporate-speak, um, like jargon.I don't think it does, but I am not experiencing it in the same way that others might be if it's like around the boardroom or in meetings or anything like that.So, it could beMaybe that's what you need it to be.I don't know.It could be, "Well, I don't have capacity for that."It could be, "Okay, well, if I focus on these 2 things, and then we invite the third in, that means"It could be very pragmatic."That means that the quality of these 2 things are gonna lessen, or going to weaken," and then making a dynamic conversation.If you are the leader, if you, if there is, you know, in a hierarchical situation, if there is no one above you, right, in a top-down organization, it could beDelegating, it comes down to that.Delegating.Like, "Heycan so-and-so handle this part?"Or if you're able to, hiring someone in some way.And I know that seems like a very, you know, offhand answer or band-aid answer that isn't always accessible, so it could also be delegating your priorities.You can't do everything, so what are the most important things to do?Strength also includes choosing not to be the one who holds it all.You don't have to hold it all.No one made that rule, we just all started following it.You don't have to be it all or do it all.One of my favoriteI really learned last year, I think, for no real reason other than it was just really useful for me to learn, I really learned last year that my favoritealmost it became a mantra, almost, my favorite mantra became, "I don't need to do it all.So I'm not going to."And it wasI- I know where it came about, actually.It came about because I was busy running a business.At the time, I was also working in a leadership position.I was also just starting my master's.And then by the end of the year, I'd started writing a book too.So, like, you know, ugh, things in halves, we don't do.Uh, but that's when I really did need to look at things and go, "Okay, I also need to make it to the gym, or take care of my body in some way, and also feed myself and cook food."And I justit- it became something that was like, "I can't do it all."And then it was this realization of "I don't wanna do it all."Like, I don't mind cooking.I'll make breakfast every day, 'cause that's- that's important to me.That's a routine or a ritual, and I still want to eat the rest of the day, don't get me wrong.But it was like, "Oh," but when it comes to, like, that late afternoon time when you're meant to be, or you have to be starting to prepare dinner, I just didn't wanna do it.Or I couldn't do it, 'cause it's like, "Well, if I go to gym then and do a workout, or go to a yog- yoga class and do something, or go for a walk, then I'm not really sitting down for dinner until, you know, at least 7:30."By the time I've come back, then prepared it, thenIt was all of, it was this pileup of things.So, I'd already been organizing online delivery for groceries, because going to the grocery store was a drain and an 0 a sensory overwhelm for me.So then it became, "Okaythese are the meals that I can cook up that are gonna give me leftovers, and I'll do that over the weekend."And then, and this is verya very privileged position also, in terms of it wasn't all that much more expensive, but it was, it was still a bit of a difference.Then I am going to arrange for a meal prep delivery service.Where it's not like the ones where you still have to cook it, it's the ones where it's healthy, nutritious meals, already cooked.You can either chuck 'em in the freezer or have them ready to just heat up, and then you're good to go.So it's like 2 minutes.And in busy periods, in busy seasons, that is what suits me.That is what I need in order to do the things, and it's not at the expense ofbecause these are things that I want to do.It was just looking at, and this is just a very personal- personal niche example, but it's just looking at, of all the things, what is draining my energy the most?And it just happened to be that.I don't mind cooking.it just was, I don't have the time or the energy to do it, to then still sit down and relax enough to recuperate, to then have a good sleep and then have energy the next day.It was very niche and very specific but to give you an example, that is what it became because it's like, "I cannot do everything," so it was almost acceptance."I cannot do everything, phew, fuck, try and tell me that when there's something else I wanna do," right?But, "I cannot do everything but I also, I don't want to.Realistically, I actually don't want to do everything."There is a part of me that thrives on a drive, motivation, something to work towards.Like, there is a part of me that thrives on having something to work towards and create, um, and then there is also a part of me that thrives on the idea of at least some of me living a soft girl life.And even if that is in the evenings, like, at night, you know?Whatever that is, whatever that even means.But just to give you an example of, this is why we need to start to shift what our, wha- what our priorities are and it was also this recognition of, "Well, when I do this, when I do this, I get to actually feel better about the things I am doing," which is true because I had more energy for it, which meant it re- it regenerated more energy back to me, rather than feeling drained because I was just tryingto give as much as I could to everything but just to get everything done in.Like, everything in and done in the day, which is impossible even for this little ADHDer.So, it's important to sort of look at that and here are some ways you can reframe that.So, they address very specifically your perception of and relationship with what some of these words mean.So, the first reframe, and I'm asking you this so you can consider this and then go on to continue considering this after finishing this episode, but where are you still performing strength?So, performing strength, not being strong, where it's regenerative from the in- inside, but performing it for optics.Where are you still performing strength?What would being supported look like instead of being strong?Quote unquote supported instead of strong.And what conversations haven't you had because people assume you don't need them, their input or their help or their support?So, from there, here's a couple little tools that I've thought of that might help you shift that pattern, and, and remember, a lot of this is gonna be habit for you as well, so you have to really consider what you're doing with intentionality.So, um, when you automatically go to say, "I've got this."I mean, that could be like a bolster, right?So, maybe there's a different word in there.When you automatically go to say, "Yeah, I'm good, I'm handling it," or, "I'll handle it," try replacing that with, "I'm managing and I could use"Then fill in the blank."I'm managing but I could use"Fill in the blank.Then, the more that you practice catching yourself when you go, "Yeah, no, it's okay, I'll do it on top of everything else," or, "I've, I've got this," and not in a, in, not in an encouraging way for yourself but in a, "Oh, fine, I'll do it," kind of way.Try to catch yourself, practice catching yourself i- that's all it's gonna take.It's just gonna take a bit of persistence and time and then reframe it to go, "Okay, well, I am managing but here's what I could use."So, you're starting to identify what you could use for yourself but then also starting to identify to others.See how that works.Um, this is a journaling or thought prompt, something for you to noodle on or write on.Um, where did I learn that showing the need for support made me unsafe or unreliable?That's a deep one.If it goes deeper than that almost surface level statement, um, take it to therapy or to your support-process, people.But where did you learn that showing need made you unsafe or unreliable?And then it's almost getting used toThe next one is almost getting used to saying the things ask- literally asking for help, and I don't mean that on the surface level.I mean literally getting y- getting your mouth around the words, getting used to saying, "Can you please help me with this?"Or any other version, iteration of that.Cool.Cool.All right, so we wrap this up as your permission slip.You don't need to hold everything all the time.You get to be supportive too, but I could say that 'til I'm blue in the face and it won't necessarily land until you start to do it.Um, from here, please feel free to share or reflect on your own strong one stories, your own stories.Start to explore that.And if this spoke to you, send it to a strong one in your life, or the strong one in your life, because chances are they might need help and support un-navigating this, untangling from this.SoAnd then let me know how it goes.Let me know.Share it.Please share the episode if it did speak to you, with that strong one, but also you can share it to your stories, to your posts, whatever it is.I'd love to hear and I'd love to see.Next week, oh, next week we have a really exciting episode.We are talking about religion and, in short, faith versus the institution.I have a special guest on for this one.She is wonderful.She is a minister.And we dive into the real talk with it, to say the least.We dive into the real talk with it.So come back next week for when that one comes out.I'm really excited.And in the meantime, keep working on those asking for support so that your, your strength is supported, not depleted.